i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
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