Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
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