Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
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I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
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Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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