cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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