You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
