just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The air was thick with penises
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Randomize
