Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
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