I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
