one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
