Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
