I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
