The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
