If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
