even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
