White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
