I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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