Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
