paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
