His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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