U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
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