the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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