Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Randomize
