I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
