I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
