Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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