i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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