I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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