I can tuck mytits in my pants
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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