I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Randomize
