i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
