this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
