I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
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