someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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