He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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