My liver just broke up with me...
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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