i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
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Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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