i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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