My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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