We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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