I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
