I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
