My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
