Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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