So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
