gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
