this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
