I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
