I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
