It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
