god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
