i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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