I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
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