Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
