I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
