So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
