Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
