His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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