I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
